Marriage is for Learning Love

“Pleasant Pause” by Myra Alibrando

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(technical problems with including the Nature Narration audio. Let me know if you miss it)

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God vs Romance

Not many of the movie stars in romantic movies or songwriters singing of lifelong love have lifelong partners, but the quest for romance goes on.

God is love and can teach us the real thing.

Not everyone is married, but among Christians, we are all commanded to love. There is just nothing quite like marriage as a commitment to love. We declare our undying love on the wedding day, 40-60 years later we get to see if that promise was kept. Marriage is nothing like dating. In fact, to me, the happiest synonym for a great marriage is friendship. 

Marriage Friendship

The best friendships are generally based on having a non-judgmental friend forever. No matter what we do, no matter how we change, no matter where we go, that friend is still our good friend. 

However, a marriage friendship has many more boundaries that cannot be crossed. 

The Perfect Match Will Make You Happy?

As a young man, I was selfish believing all those romantic songs about the right girl making me happy. That fed my ridiculously naive idea that getting married to the right one was supposed to make me live happier-ever-after. It was all about my happiness. I was a self-righteous, religious guy with "perfect doctrine". Oh, this is such a bad combination. Divorced by age 27, I was certain people like me went to hell.

At 31, I was shocked God desired to love me despite who I had become, but I very much wanted to be back with Him. I was not a wise man but far more mature than at age 21. I was now devoted to serving God instead of seeking His rewards. 

Remarried at 32, I was about to find out what a perfect place marriage is for developing the character God desires in each of us. For the second time, I made a promise to love forever until death separated us. But soon, there were misunderstandings, harsh words, and I expected more respect. I expected more harmony. I would run to God complaining about my hardships. But now for the first time, I was willing to allow God to fix me, instead of her. It sounds so simple, but for me then, it was new. Don’t think I was suddenly an unselfish, humble, sweet guy. No, the months turned into years and as I was always willing, I slowly began to see the lasting fruit of obeying God. I wanted to prove my love for God to God.

My Happiness is No One’s Job

Marriage is not about a woman making you happy, or a husband making you happy. Where is that in the Bible? I know romantics don't want to hear this kind of teaching but real love is given, not earned, bought, or manipulated by charm or looks. No one can get the love they need by protest when it is not enough.

It is a terrible, terrible burden to place the responsibility of your happiness on another human. Don’t do that. Even if you try that with God, you will discover He also doesn't make you happy the way you want. 

God, You Know What I Want and I Want It Now

We want to know how to get what we want. Come on God, I’m in a hurry. We want happiness now and wisdom later. We want pleasure now and patience later. Most of us seek God for our happiness and a guaranteed ticket to eternal life instead of being in love with Him.

We do not want God to take us on a 40-year camping seminar in the desert so He can reveal His power and love for us. No! We have other plans for satisfaction this year. Promised land now, please.

Everything Really Christian is Really Love

As Christians we claim to love God and love people. Notice the Bible says for men to love their wives as Christ loves the church. 

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; Ephesians 5:25

Sadly, I have met too many good Christian men who not only put God first, but zealously put their mission or church ahead of their wife. This is not the same as a partnership in ministry. So, when the verse says "love your wife as Christ loves the church" they kind of disagree and say "How about I serve the church and my Christian work and YOU love my wife for me serving You?"

No guys. God says You need to love your wife for Him. We are His vessels on earth. God’s light in us should be like a lighthouse, seen brightest by those closest to the light. People should envy the way Christians treat their spouses.

You Are God’s Delivery Person

The way our spouse treats us, speaks to us, or sees us, usually ends up how they see themselves.  In marriage, there is no one on earth that will affect the self-image than the spouse. It goes both ways and God knows it. This also does not mean “being the good one” but tenderly loving your spouse. Let God keep showing you how.

How would you rate if God measured the way you treat your spouse as His measure of how much you love Him? I am not changing theology, but asking you this question.

“If you love me, keep my commands. John 14:15

Love Lab 101

Far more importantly than being a responsibility, this is an ideal opportunity to practice love, to learn love, to obey God, to see how much God cares for us. It is very beautiful and you can become partners with God Himself in showing His love to your spouse.

Now please, God is not expecting you to lose your personality, sense of humor, or see no faults in your spouse. But realize, your spouse is stuck with you for life, every day. Try to make it a little easier for them. Show respect. 

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Ephesians 5:22

Eeeks! I wouldn't want to submit to me for life because I know how messed up I am sometimes. Of course my blind spots are invisible to me. I have got to make this as easy as I can on my wife, especially considering the commandment she's been given. In fact, the Bible doesn't say she has to like me or enjoy my jokes, but just to submit as unto the Lord. That's mercy for women, I think.

Now I'm getting older. My 2nd wife died after 23 years of marriage in 2008. I will never take my wife for granted or the work represented by being married to me. I have been married for 14 years this month to my third wife, a true jewel.

I have grown to love how God teaches me to see the struggles of my spouse. God fills me with the compassion of His care toward my wife, to help me lighten her burden. I get to feel His desire to make her laugh and smile. Seeing how precious she is to Him, I am fearful to sin against her. It's so true, that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. 

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Proverbs 9:10

The Big Surprise About Love

And here is the surprise about love: the love we get can feel great but it does not fill our hearts. Listen, our own hearts fill with love when we resolve to truly love others. It is impossible to love someone without your own heart first filling with that love.

A loving life like this blooms into something far more wonderful than possible in the attainment of things and status. God knew it all along and is always telling us to love, always telling us if we obey His commandments, we will be happy. Happiness is the fruit, not the pursuit, to this I can testify.

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A little long this week. I hope it was a fast read and OK for singles. God bless you and have a week of growing.